Giada DeLaurentiis

Recently, during my after school Food Network marathons, I’ve discovered some things that irk me about Giada DeLaurentiis. If you weren’t able to tell already, I love making lists, so I’m going to make a list of things that bother me about the Italian cuisinier. Let’s be real, what doesn’t bother me nowadays? Pessimistic Polly, over here!

1. One thing I’ve observed about Giada is that she kind of looks like this emoji when she smiles:

2. She always pronounces a few words here and there in a weird Italian accent. She can just never speak in regular English dialect. Example:
Pancetta (English) = Pon-chee-tha (Giada)
Ciabatta (English) = Cheh-bah-tha (Giada.
The cheap accent reminds me of that old fat Italian woman on the cover of The Gigantic Turnip:

3. Another thing about Giada that makes me really uncomfortable are all the sexual noises she makes when trying her food, and the similies she uses to describe her dishes. Example:
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMM, it’s like clouds in your mouth. MmmmmMMMMMMMMM!”
Clouds in your mouth? Who eats clouds? And why the orgasmic sound effects? It makes everything seem less appetizing, G.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this mini post. I’ll be back another time when I find something to write about. It’s difficult for me to time my ideas so they’re at regular intervals, so I hope you can bear with me.


Reasons Why People (and things) Might Be Against You

1. Your dog might be against you if you take pictures of them during vulnerable moments. Example:
dog in panda

Dog In Sexy Pose

2. Your child might be against you if you give him/her a name that is unpronounceable and/or unable to be spelled correctly under any circumstances.

3. Your classmates might be against you if you act like a “class clown.” It’s outdated. And annoying.

4. Your cashier might be against you if you make them count out your money penny… by penny… by penny…

5. People in the movie theater might be against you if you are with a group of friends and won’t be quiet. You’re twelve, and your jokes aren’t funny.

6. Miley Cyrus might be against you if you don’t make out with your pets.

7. Your lint roller might be against you if you neglect to roll lint with it.

8. Jamie Lee Curtis might be against you if you leaked her secret… that she never switched bodies back with Lindsay Lohan after Freaky Friday, and she’s the one ruining Lindsay’s career.

9. Finally, I might be against you if you aren’t me. Princess probz!

Make the right choices. Don’t put these people, or things, against you. I’m Jenna Toth, and I approve this message.

Grammys Fashion 2013

You didn’t really think you’d get through the Grammys without a post from me, did you? Okay, good. Because I’ve ranked some of the best and worst get-ups from last night using this scale:
Grammy's Fashion
Oh, and we can’t forget to add in some witty commentary. So here goes:

1. Carly Rae Jepsen
Grammy Carly
I give this number a 25% on the scale. Although the dress is pretty-ish, it’s not quite there for me. Also, I desperately wish she’d do something different with her hair. It’s gettin’ old, CR.

2. Katy Perry
Grammy Katy
I think this was my least favorite dress of the night. It gets a “STOP.” Who designed this? And why did Katy think this was in any way flattering? Okay, maybe we won’t go that far. The dress itself, though, is awful. What are those Christmas ornaments at the top? Also, Katy must want a little bit more than John Mayer if she’s prancing around with her puppies staring everybody in the eye.

3. Rihanna
Grammy Rihanna
Rihanna looked red hot last night- pun intended. Congrats, “RiRi,” you’ve earned yourself a gold star (and a “You go gurl!” on the scale I made using Paint). Seriously though, how stunning is this dress? So flattering- simply gorgeous.

4. Florence Welch
Grammy Florence
To be totally honest, this dress reminds me of a blinged-out version of Yoshi from Mario. Boy, I wouldn’t be surprised if she were in the band Metallica rather than Florence & The Machine! Okay, that one was a little tacky. 25%.

5. Ed Sheeran
Grammy Ed
Damn boy, are you from England? Because you’re the only ten I see. I liked that Ed kept it simple with a black suit and tie, but made it a little more original by throwin’ on some Nikes. Super classy, 75%.

6. J-Lo
Grammy Jennifer
Let’s face it, J-Lo is hot. But this get-up is… well, not. Between the obnoxious slit and heels that make her look like she’s on house arrest, I can’t really help but give her a 10%. Better luck next time?

7. Adele
Grammy Adele
This kind of reminds me of a lamp shade that your grandma has that you want to say you love even though you hate. I love Adele and everything about her, but what is this? Also, by the looks of it, her shoes match exactly. STOP.

8. Taylor Swift
Grammy Taylor
First, I’m not diggin’ the whole milk maid braid thing. Put it to bed, Swiz. The dress would be prettier if it didn’t have the weird sparkly details. Look, she’s even advertising her first initial on her chest.

9. John Mayer (+ Quincy Jones)
Grammy John
“Lay off my blue suede suit jacket and bowtie,” says John Presley. Quincy thinks he’s the man, as you can tell by his manifest hand gesture and smug grin.

10. Beyonce
Grammy Beyonce
I wouldn’t like this on anyone else. But it’s Beyonce. It’s her world, we’re all just living in it. YOU GO GURL.

11. Carrie Underwood
Grammy Carrie
I’m kind of on the fence about this look. I love Carrie, she’s phenomenal, but what is this weird Gotham City thing she’s got going on? I also feel like the diamond necklace makes the dress look slightly cheap and gothic. Sorry Carrie, I just wasn’t Blown Away by this number. You get a 25%.

12. 2 Chainz
Grammy 2 Chainz
I’d like to know what this mess is. This look mixes classy musician, world heavyweight champion, tap dancer, and Batman into one big pot. I want to meet his stylist. I also want to meet the designer of that weird cape. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! STOP.

Before I go, I’d like to point out that Tim McGraw needs to retire that damn cowboy hat.
Thanks for reading. And thank you, Fun., for showing us that you can be both in and out of the closet at the same time.

Weekly Recap: February 3rd-February 8th

Sunday, February 3rd
On Sunday I did nothing but go to church, and come home and watch the Superbowl. During this time I consumed more wings than any fifteen year old girl should. I also became a lesbian. (No but really… Beyonce could turn me.)

Monday, February 4th
I had Latin first period. I spent the entire class praying that my teacher wouldn’t call on me. Then I went to study hall. Listened to the kids around me speak to each other. Observed the lingo. Realized I couldn’t understand anything. Next, English. Hoped that I would be assigned Artemis for my mythology project. Guess what? I wasn’t assigned Artemis. Finally, I went to science. Watched a presentation about how to evaluate a website. Almost fell asleep. Later that day, I had chamber orchestra, where I was assigned a piece called “The Vagabond” for a quartet performance. Although it is not pronounced like that, it definitely looks like something that you could use to cure a yeast infection. Naturally, I would be assigned this piece.

Tuesday, February 5th
We watched Mamma Mia in orchestra. Needless to say, it was a great day. Then I had math. Needless to say, I wanted to cry throughout the entire period.

Wednesday, February 6th
Hump day. Haha. Hump. Anyway, Wednesday was a fairly solid day. I came home from school and immediately made hot chocolate and watched Piers Morgan reruns. It was entertaining. Today also marks exactly seven weeks until I get my braces off. HELL YA!

Thursday, February 7th
Today I rediscovered John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland.” Cried for a while because I fell back in love with it, then imagined him singing it to me and realized I was being slightly impractical. Watched Rocky II and kept replaying the ending. Yo Sylvester Stallone, you did it. Go boi.

Friday, February 8th
Snow day! I started thinking about things I wanted to bake for myself on Valentine’s Day. I also thought about watching every Nicholas Sparks movie in chronological order. Contemplated ordering a party pizza to last me the weekend during this storm.

Saturday, February 9th
My emotions of today summed up in one picture:
the buried life
I also watched The Last Song and marveled at Liam Hemsworth. Then I started to cry, partly because he’ll never be mine, and, you know, the movie is sad.

So there’s your weekly recap. Hope you enjoyed. Pce.

Ten Things I Completely Misunderstood As a Child

1. That Jesse McCartney is in no way related to Paul McCartney. I couldn’t seem to grasp the concept that two people could share the same last name, but not the same genetics.

2. That it is possible to have olive-colored skin and not be Hispanic or adopted.

3. I had this terrifying misconception that the Easter Bunny would come into my room while he was hiding my basket and stand near my bed while hopping and shaking eggs full of chocolate and coins. *shivers* So, one night I woke up screaming, and that was the night I found out that the Easter Bunny does not exist. Sorry, kids.

4. That you will probably be hated on if you jump on the bandwagon when a certain team makes it to the Super Bowl.

5. Elephants and peanuts are actually not affiliated with one another in any way.

6. That it is not socially acceptable to wear rainbow striped tights with a lilac-colored jumper and a white turtleneck.

7. That high school is fun, and is similar to That’s So Raven.

8. That Santa does not have the power or time to change the entire shape and look of my room in one night.

9. That a bob haircut and bangs makes me look similar to a young Mexican boy. Here is a photo for reference:
I’m on the right. It’s not totally visible, but I think you get the gist.

10. That KISS probably isn’t a super-suitable band for seven-year-olds to listen to. Awkward punk phase. Don’t say you haven’t gone through it.

Things I Find Ridiculous #2: Anything named “Dear John”

Dear John: Movie
We were all dying to see the movie adaptation of Nicolas Sparks’ “Dear John,” a love story (what else?) about a man who goes off to war and his relationship with his girlfriend during that time.
The film itself wasn’t awful until the ending. If you’ve never seen it, I won’t give it away. But it’s terrible. Just putting that out there. Here are some of my emotions throughout the movie:

Dear John: Song
“Dear John… don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?” Well, Taylor Swift, nineteen year olds don’t typically go after 32 year olds. But I mean, whatever floats your boat.
“Don’t you think ninteen’s too young to be played by your dark, twisted games?” I don’t really have anything to say about this one. But hey, don’t fret Taylor. You’ll have another guy in no time. Here are some of my emotions throughout listening to this song.

Hope you enjoyed this late night blog post. Pce.